An Honest Discussion on Christian Marriage and Family

KRISTIN:

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with or have heard of choosing a word for the year. Cathy Caskey shared this exercise in one of our Wings meetings several years ago. A really high-level explanation of this is that through prayer and listening to God you pick a word to focus on and work on throughout the year. I don’t do New Year resolutions, but I do find this practice of choosing a word to focus on throughout the year has been really rewarding. An example some of my past words are discipline and boldness – saying yes to things I don’t want to do – like standing up here today….

My word for this year is prayer. In the last year the thing that has changed the most with my intentional focus on prayer is my mindset. How does this relate to Christian marriage and family?  I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to catastrophize, or what I like to call the mental toxic spin cycle. If something didn’t go right or there is a difficult situation or conversation that happened or needs to happen, I tend to spend a lot of time with that convo on repeat in my head or thinking about all the possible ways that this future conversation could go down.

I’d spend an eternity in my head in these imaginary conversations that do nothing but disrupt my peace. You might be thinking “wow, that’s weird” and think I you might need therapy and you might be right. I’ve realized through my intentional focus on prayer is that this internal monologue is robbing me of not only my peace, but also my time – which IDK about you, but I don’t have a ton of, so I’d love to stop wasting it.

The other side of this is where does this negative thinking get me? Does it solve any problems? Do I feel better afterward? The truth is If we hang onto these thoughts and feelings for too long they start to move out of our minds and hearts and start to turn into hurtful words and actions. It changes us and the way we react to people. We get angry, bitter, resentful. God doesn’t want this for us; He wants Christian marriages and families to have peace in our lives, in our minds, in our families, and our marriages.

John 14:27

Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

So instead of spending hours on the toxic spin cycle in my head, I turn to prayer. I ask God to take it. I pray over whatever specifically is making me worry or mad and the act of giving it over to God in prayer brings peace.

Instead of turning inward and focusing on my anger, my resentment, my need to be right, prayer gives me the opportunity to turn to God instead. In prayer I ask God to help me 1. find some humility and, here’s the hard part, 2. find something to be grateful for.

You’re probably wondering what the heck does this have to do with your Christian marriage and family? Just be patient, I’m getting there.

I love Eric deeply. When I look at him, I am literally looking into the face of answered prayer. God chose him for me and no one else. I don’t always treat him that way or speak to him in a way that would make him think I value him deeply.

He is kind. Generous. Thoughtful. He sees me and loves me unconditionally. We are two strong willed, opinionated, success-driven people who love to be right. So why am I so surprised when we have conflict? The Bible even tells us in Genesis 3:16 that because of sin our desires will be contradictory to our husband. When we say “I do”, the devil says “We’ll see.” Satan doesn’t attack our marriages because we are weak. He attacks them because he sees them as a threat.

So this is where it comes back to the prayer part. When marriage gets tough and I feel slighted, unappreciated or Eric said the wrong thing to me when I was hungry, I have a couple options. My previous default was either biting back and being unkind. Or diving into my toxic spin cycle. Neither of those are beneficial to our marriage.

But over the last year while continually coming back to prayer, something started to change. It wasn’t instantaneous or like a light switch flipped on. It was a continual return to prayer, discipline, a commitment to a word that God gave me to focus on for the year, that little by little changed me. Instead of being angry and caught up in the emotion or circumstance I have the opportunity to turn to prayer.

But let’s not forget that our prayers are meant to be transformational, not transactional. Are our prayers self-serving? We are so focused on our wants, our perceived needs and the timing in which we believe these things should happen, that we forget to be still and wait on God.

I like to compare it to my garden. I plant seeds and water them and come out the next day and want full grown plants. I don’t want to have to keep watering, trimming and cultivating the garden to see the literal fruits – and vegetables – of my labor.

Our lives, our families and marriages are God’s garden. He’s cultivating us in his own time. Instead of trying to impose my will or my timing to my circumstances, what I need to pray for is humility.

Philippians 2:3-5

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

Patience, kindness and grace:

Ephesians 4:1-3

I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love

And a little further down in:

Ephesians 4:7

But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.

Christ shows up for us and gives us grace when we don’t deserve it. Maybe we can do the same for our spouse. When our circumstances big or small challenge us and we want to respond via our flesh, can we respond in prayer instead? Our spouses deserve our best, not what’s left over after we’ve given our best to everyone else.

ERIC:

I realized that I haven’t really spent a whole lot of time in my life defining and reflecting on what Christian marriage and family means.  My brain tends to be binary, 1’s & 0’s, pass/fail, go/no-go.  Because of this I tend to spend more time living on logic than I do emotion.

To some respect, this means marriage is just another mile marker on the highway of life and I’ve spent too much time looking towards the next mile marker than I do enjoying the ride.

You know:

• We are born
• We show up on our first day of school
• Eventually we graduate from high school
• We move out of our parent’s house
• We get our first real job – got to feed the mortgage monster
• We fall in love
• We get married
• We have kids
• Our kids have kids
• We retire
• Then we die

Being asked to speak today forced to stop, pray and self-reflect on our marriage and what marriage is to me.

The first story that came to mind was the day we got married.  I was an active-duty Marine at the time, ready for a lifetime of military service and I had somehow convinced Kristin to love me enough to marry me, leave everything she had in Arizona and join me wherever the Marine Corps sent me for the next 20 years.

Now that’s not what ended up happening.  You see, I had no idea at the time how much impact our vows would have on me.  We had been dating for a couple years, we loved each other, saying “I do” was just the next logical step. The apostle Paul has great advice on Christian marriage and family.

Ephesians 5:25-33

Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…..”  Verse 25 is just the beginning of a long paragraph that outlines a husband’s calling.  Paul writes instructions for husbands that are 3 times longer than that of the wife in the same chapter.

It now makes sense why after the ceremony was over, there was this overwhelming sense of responsibility that fell over me.  I felt different, it was not the same as before.  It was provisional and now its permanent.  I’m committed now, until death do us part.  I have a wife, I must provide for her, I have to protect her, I have to, or better yet I get to love her as Christ loved the church.

This is ultimately why I left the Marine Corps.  You see, I loved the Marine Corps, I always will.  But that love was at a point that deep down I knew I would always put the Marine Corps first if I stayed in.  God blessed me with this awesome woman in my life and I can’t screw up that blessing.  I look back on it now and God was calling in me another direction.  Over 10 years later and I’ve never regretted answering that call.

No regrets does not mean that our marriage has always been easy.  Marriage is not easy, it’s much more like driving on the I-10.  Occasionally you get to do 75 and there’s no traffic, but most likely it’s stop and go, there will be accidents, and unfortunately every once in awhile someone’s driving the wrong direction.

That brings me to my next story, facing challenges in Christian marriage and family. This is again something that I am not always the shining example of, but have learned to better handle over the years. I want to add one quick point here, I can honestly say the hardest or darkest times of my life, I was not committed to God.  This story started no differently, I was coveting in my marriage not stewarding.

A couple years ago our marriage was not in a good place, you would have probably needed a chainsaw to cut the tension in our house.  We were cold and barely speaking, turning into pissed off roommates, not living as husband and wife.

I was working way too much, I would come home and immediately start cleaning up, making dinner, working on a project, anything to “help” my wife.  Admittedly, this was in hopes I could get some loving from her.  Day after day went by, no loving and she seemed to get more frustrated by the day.  In turn I got more frustrated by the day.  It was turning into outright resentment.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Then one day it hit me, Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

I started reading the Word early in the morning instead of working, instead of music on the way to work, I found a Christian Podcast focused on marriage.  There was a statement on one of the podcast to the effect of “lack of sex in marriage can either be the symptom of a problem or the cause of a problem.”

I immediately realized that we were not communicating, and we were more than likely not viewing our current situation through the same lens.  Fast forward, this led us to reading The 5 Love Languages and each take the test at the end.  Surprise, surprise we were very different, basically complete opposites.  I was primarily physical touch with quality time scoring the least, Kristin was like 90% quality time with the other 4 love languages making up the remaining 10%.

Every night I would come home and “help”, I was basically ignoring the #1 way she feels loved.  The other problem was that I was only “helping” so I could get what I wanted, ultimately coveting not stewarding.  The love I was showing was not with a pure and selfless heart.  As husbands we are called to love our wives in the same way Christ loved the church, a selfless love.

“Jesus loved the church before the church loved Him, and Jesus loved the church when the church didn’t have anything to give.”

 

KRISTIN:

I’ve been reading this book, Unoffendable, by Brant Hansen and the premise of the book is that, as Christians, we should be the most unoffendable people on the planet. Essentially if we can let go of our anger and replace it with, wait for it, humility, grace and forgiveness, we can live much more peaceful lives. So, let me get this straight. I’ve been praying for humility, grace and forgiveness and boom, God slides in this book that really touches on a lot of the areas that I have been praying over. I don’t know about you, but I am always amazed at how God weaves these things together in our lives at the right moments – whether they are books, people, songs, encouraging words, miracles, all of them.

Just in case you fell asleep – and it’s ok if you did – I just got done talking about Christian marriage and family, and  how I am working on being at peace and right with my husband in our marriage. If him and I are at peace with one another, it really goes a long way to unite us as a team when we are facing difficulties with our kids or just life in general. Whether your kids are three-nagers, tween-agers, actual teenagers, adults, or if you have no kids at all, I am confident you have experienced difficulties and worry.

How does this whole unoffendable, humility/grace/peace thing play out in our family? Well if I can be honest for a sec, it doesn’t always play out well. Often, I fail and have to go back to prayer and ask God, and my family, for forgiveness and to start over. The Fishers are a fiery bunch, especially with each other, and we could all use some refining. But as husband and wife and the leaders of our families, it begins with and is modeled by us. And again, If I’m being honest, the whole Fisher family could use to have this verse tattooed on our hearts, minds, and across our foreheads:

James 1:19-20

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Oh boy…. As Eric calls them, that’s a truth dagger.

Our kids are kind, generous, smart, creative, funny, loving… the list goes on. I want to cultivate those characteristics. I also see those not-so-great characteristics in them and wonder how we can lead them and be better for them.

Here are the three areas that I am trying to apply these principles in my life, Christian marriage and family.: 1. How I react to my family. 2. How I react to others. And 3. How I deal with worry.

How I react to my family: So here’s a scenario that just happened. Isaac came home from attending a Christmas event with a friend. He was out late and came home tired. I stayed up late waiting for him and was also tired. And the two of us tired at the same time is a toxic combo just waiting to go off. The dogs were barking threatening to wake up everyone who was already sleeping and I asked Isaac to hurry up and get inside. Through gritted teeth he said, “I am.” And in my finest form through gritted teeth, I said, “Knock it off.”

He got teary-eyed, and I realized as he was taking off his shoes that in two seconds, I ruined a really fun night for him. It wasn’t only the experience that he had that he was excited about, but he was excited to come home and tell me about it. And I messed it up. So I sat next to him on the couch and tried to hug him, but he pushed me away. I’m kind of a stubborn mule sometimes and wouldn’t let him not hug me.

But in that moment, I apologized for what I said and asked him to start over. Finally, after a few moments, he started laughing, let me hug him and told me about his night. I am thankful that God gave me the humility to see my mistakes in the moment. Afterwards, I’m able to return to prayer and ask for help to do better next time.

How I react to others in front of my kids: Admittedly I find temporary gratification in just reacting to people the way I perceive they deserve it. So kind of eye for an eye if you will. But coming back to this idea of focusing on prayer, as well as reading this Unoffendable book, the Holy Spirit has convicted me that even though it feels right, as Pastor Steve says, it’s not righteous. And I don’t love that.

Here’s kind of funny example of a God smack lesson on Christian marriage and family that I got on this. Several years ago, I was driving home. I had to turn left to get into our neighborhood. I had my blinker on and was trying to get into the left lane to turn. Apparently, I wasn’t getting over fast enough for the car behind me and they honked at me. In anger, as they drove by I gave them the one-finger salute, and I can’t totally remember, but there could have been some colorful language to accompany it. Promptly, Isaac who was probably only 5 at the time, also returned the gesture to the impatient driver. Not my finest moment.

This was one of the first times I was like, I really need to think before I act. Where was that slow to anger tattoo when I needed it?? But now I realize how I react, in situations big or small, has much more of an impact on my kids than me telling them, be nice. I actually have to be nice. I have to react to the guy on the 101, not in anger. I have to react in grace even though I don’t feel like they deserve it.

Because at the end of the day none of us deserve grace. We need to respond to others with grace and forgiveness so our kids can see that even though the other person might be wrong, we aren’t always right.

Lastly, and I’ll make this one quick because I think it ties back a lot to what I was talking about before, how I deal with worry. I’ve always been something of a worrier. I think it’s just the control freak in me wanting to be prepared. It got worse after having kids. I was truly shocked at how irrational my thoughts could get. In this Unoffendable book the author says:

“We are capable of imagining threats and staying in a kind of constant, low-grade fight or flight mode. We’re capable of feeling threatened all the time by things that haven’t happened or may not ever happen.”

Huh, that sounds a lot like that toxic spin cycle I was talking about earlier. The verse he quotes in the book is:

Matthew 6:27

You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.

Our anxious, worried states are killing us. The research says that stress can make our DNA appear older. So why do we worry? I always felt like there was a really good reason for it, right? But this quote by Tim Keller was another one of those truth daggers.

It says:

“Naturally, if you love people, you’re going to worry about them. But do you know where constant worry comes from? It’s rooted in arrogance that assumes, I know the way my life has to go, and God’s not getting it right. We hold on to worry because we don’t trust God.”

Worries in Christian Marriage and Family

Are our worries for the people we love? Sometimes, yes. Do we believe we know what’s better for them than they do? Often, yes. But can our worries change them? Always, no. Turning them over to God in prayer can change everything, not only for them, but you also. And while you’re there praying for them, you might as well hand your worries over to God as well.

What are some other things that can cause us to worry? Jobs? Finances? Life? Again, yes to all. The truth is we think when we get “there” all our worries will go away. But I believe that no matter how much we achieve, or earn or do, God never allows us to get “there”. And that’s kind of a bummer to think about. But if God let us get “there” then we wouldn’t need him anymore. He wants us to continually seek him, regardless of our circumstances, for our peace. So this is where I bring it back to our kids. I pray that God grants us the wisdom to teach them to navigate this world and the worries they will inevitably face with prayer and reliance on Jesus. So let’s let go of our worry, stop chasing “there” and chase Jesus.

 

ERIC:

What does the Bible say about being the man of the Christian marriage and family?

• Wives are called to submit to their husbands
• Kids are called to obey their fathers

That’s it, teaching over. This sounds great, I’m going to live like a king! Just kidding, we are not going to take scripture out of context and manipulate it to fulfill our own pride.

Ultimately when it comes to family, there is one theme that has been heavy on my heart since we were asked to speak today. Leading our families, not managing our families. Now I will primarily speak from the perspective of the man of the house, as a husband and father, but the concept is not mutually exclusive to being a husband and/or father.

As I mentioned earlier, I lean towards logic or process, more than emotion or people.  One thing I have learned over my career is that you manage processes and lead people.  I have not always had this mentality.  Many of my past careers have had manager in the title.  Most recently, I decided to put leader on my business card even though my title is manager in the system.  Why?  Because I have learned that I cannot be successful without the success of people I am responsible for.  Unfortunately, I probably learned this in my professional life before I learned it in my personal life.  Better late than never.

Now saying I’ve learned this lesson does not mean I have mastered the teaching.  You see, being the logic driven person I am, and in my professional life I get paid to improve/optimize processes, and quality time not being a high priority for me I am the walking recipe prone to wanting to manage my family not lead them.

Let’s first talk about the differences between managing and leading:

Managers	Leaders
Speak > Listen	Listen > Speak
Directs	Educates
Task Oriented	People Oriented
Doing things right	Doing the right things
Lead through authority	Lead through inspiration
Transactional	Transformational

Take a moment and reflect on what you are doing in your Christian marriage and family.

Often, I have a manager mindset, cringing while watching my wife load the dishwasher “the wrong way” or getting angry that my kids didn’t clean their rooms “clean enough”.  Sometimes I follow up behind them and “fix their mistakes.”  If I had a nickel for every time I got worked up over the small stuff, you know.  Meanwhile this manager mindset creates angst and discourages those around us from engaging, ultimately distracting us all from the love and connections that matter.

The manager mindset comes from a fear of lacking control over results or a lack of trust.  A few weeks ago I found myself micro-managing Emerson through pouring her own cup of milk all because I wasn’t trusting that she would be successful and being frustrated at the thought of having to clean up spilt milk after the fact.

How ridiculous is that?

Fast forward to last weekend, she woke up after Isaac and was mad that I wouldn’t let her have a turn on the TV so she responded with giving me the silent treatment for 30 min or so.  During that time, she proceeded to make herself breakfast.  I sat in the kitchen and watched as she flawlessly grabbed her stool and moved it from one step of the process to the other.  First, grab a plate, next grab leftover pancakes from the fridge, taking one out and putting in on the plate, placing the plate in the microwave, setting the time, and hitting start.  She then cleaned up and put the remaining leftovers in the fridge while her pancake cooked.  She went on to remove her hot pancake from the microwave and top it with all her favorite toppings, cleaning up after herself at each step.  She took her breakfast to the living room, ate, and came back to place her plate in the sink.

This may seem like a trivial example, but it’s a great example of what is possible when we teach and lead our kids to be able to help themselves then give them the space to succeed or fail on their own.

It has taken me a long time to realize that those in our family don’t always follow the same path as us to get to the same end result.  We need to ask ourselves, what is more important the path one takes or the results of the journey.  Our ultimate goal as leaders in a Christian household is to lead our families closer to God.  Those under our roof are no different than everyone in the room right now, we have all had a slightly different journey in our faith.

• For the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:23
• Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Our takeaway is that husbands/fathers are called to be the head of the Christian marriage and family, but everything they do should be rooted in Christ.

God loves us unconditionally.  He has given us rules to live by and does not condone breaking the rules, but he does not love us any less when we do.  He gives us the path to salvation, teaches us what is right and wrong, and then blessed us with free will to make our own decisions.